Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
