Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
