Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
