I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
