Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
