My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
