Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
