At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
