Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
