You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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