Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
