My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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