the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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