Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
