She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
