If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
