my shit smells like andre
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
