Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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