i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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