Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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