Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
