Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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