Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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