It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
