Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
