It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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