you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
