I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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