so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
