but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
