Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
