your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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