i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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