I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
