Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
