it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
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