I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
