mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
