Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
