Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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