His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
