I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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