watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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