And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
