i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
