hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
