4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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