I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
