I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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