i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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