i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
