Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
