Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
